Hear, hear

From the Civilian

National

Government pushes urgent legislation to end 2016, have New Year’s right now

14/11/2016 at 8:35 pm

PICTURED: Gerry Brownlee stares blankly into TV cameras as Prime Minister John Key urges the passage of a bill that is expected to receive unanimous support.

Following recent events, Parliament is sitting under urgency tonight, as the National Government attempts to pass legislation to end 2016 effective immediately, and have New Year’s Eve in just a few hours at midnight tonight.

The “That’s Enough Bill 2016” is currently undergoing its second reading, and would shorten the calendar in use by New Zealand by 47 days, with a year spanning from January 1st to November 14th.

Prime Minister John Key, joined by Minister Responsible for the Earthquake Commission Gerry Brownlee, announced his government would be pushing the bill earlier this afternoon, after visiting Kaikoura.

“Look, I think most New Zealanders would agree that, uh, that’s quite enough,” he said. “That’s why tonight, we’ll be moving to pass a bill that should resolve any forthcoming issues.”

Key said the bill was a “preventative measure” and would “unfortunately not reverse” anything that has happened since January 1st. But with well over a month still remaining in the year, National had finally felt compelled to act.

“It was the cows,” he explained. “Obviously, it won’t be a surprise to anyone that we’ve been thinking about this for a while, but flying over the South Island today, assessing the damage, we see these three cows, on this little island of land, trapped there, the whole earth has come away from around them, if you like.

“That’s when I leaned over and said to Gerry, ‘Right, that’s it. That’s the tipping point there. You can’t have that.’”

Providing the bill became law this evening, Key encouraged New Zealanders to “enjoy ringing in the New Year” and “perhaps get shitfaced.”

Brownlee had already begun, he said.

“I think he’d already had four vodkas by, what was it, 7am this morning, Gerry?”

Gerry Brownlee stared blankly into the TV cameras.

“Yeah, so, anyway,” Key concluded. “At the end of the day, I think the end of the day should be the end of the year.”