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Sunday, February 6, 2011

Great Product, Poor Packaging, and Giant Mutant Ants

There is an unacknowledged writing genre that provides a great tonic when life is annoying or dull.  A host of writers, mostly anonymous, labor to produce hilarious mock Amazon product reviews.  Some are in prose, some are poetic, others are flowery and romantic, but all are tongue-in-cheek and most are rib-crackingly funny.

'Shannon of Davis, US, Canada' assembled choice specimens into a discussion list, confessing that he or she felt driven to do it after spending way too much time surfing and laughing after looking up URANIUM ORE one day.

They are graded according to popularity, and the current #1 in his or her bestseller list is devoted to that same Uranium Ore that inspired the list in the first place. 

Currently unavailable, Amazon declares, going on to confess, 'We don't know when or if this item will be back in stock'  -- but that has not deterred the happy reviewers.

'I purchased this product 4.47 Billion Years ago," Patrick J. McGovern complained, 'and when I opened it today, it was half-empty.'

'OK for cleaning teeth, not so great for killing ants,' headlined Nero Goldstein.

After accidently using Uranium Ore as tooth powder, 'my teeth have never been cleaner!' he applauded. 'They sparkle, they tingle, and for some reason they STAY clean now, no matter what.  Highly recommended!'

Using it to kill ants, however, was a blunder, as kill the ants it did not. 'Fortunately, those suckers get slower as they get bigger, so i have been able to use a shovel to take care of most of them, one at a time, though, the sneaky devils. And the darn trash man refuses to take them away.'

Nero would have given the product five stars on account of the teeth, but felt forced to deduct one star, because of the giant mutant ants.

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